People tell me, have always told me, I have ambition. On paper, I guess I do. I started a newspaper at my elementary school when I was 10. I headed the student council executive advertising department, while playing in the school play, jazz band, concert band, rugby team and after-school job. In university, I sought out a newspaper job after my first year. I got it. I freelanced to my city’s 2 newspapers. I now edit a newspaper section, before graduation. (Hmm…writing that all makes me feel very proud)
In real life, I never woke up and said, “I’m going to be ambitious today and do this…” I never opened my day planner and asked, “How many things can I possibly fit into this day to maximize its full use?” But it seems that is what has happened. For a while, I rode on this wave and loved it. Time management seemed to come easy. I saw enough of the boyfriend and friends to keep everyone, myself included, happy. My grades were pretty good, and in university, they, well, they got me through the deadlines of a harrowing journalism program.
Whenever I’m feeling down and the boyfriend tells me why I’m not a wiener or a loser, I feel a renewed sense of pride, thinking, “Yeah, you’re right- I did do all that, and I am actually going somewhere.”
But as graduation deadline looms I’m scared: I will no longer be able to get student jobs. I won’t be able to use grades and academic internships as my proof that I am doing something, moving forward. My accomplishments from that point on won’t be impressive in a “wow, and she’s still a student” kind of way. I will be a grown up then, and standing on my own two feet to get jobs. I will have to work hard, but balanced with the things that I need to stay sane: Me time, boyfriend time, friend time and yoga!
I recently added another entry to my resume that instills in me the confidence that even in the big, wide, world, I’ll be OK. [I was selected to work for a rather famous blogger on her upcoming book. Shh, that’s all I’m saying.] It excites me to be part of a new project again. To learn more as I help other people to learn more. To be immersed in what sometimes feels like a members-only club. The media. I love it all.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, that while some people like myself look really ambitious and confident on paper, we may stand behind with knees shaking and foreheads perspiring at the thought of what comes next. But, as I always say, this is my Carpe Diem blog, and my philosophy remains. Today, I have an editing job, and a new reporting/research job that excite me.