There I was, walking through the Rideau Centre yesterday, getting excited inside-giggles about Christmas as all the store have begun setting up their holiday windows. I even stopped in at the Body Shop to sniff the cranberry lip balm that only comes out for Christmas. Then, all of a sudden, gleeful happy me was overcome with a strong feeling, like the gust of wind that subsequently swept up my hair when I went out the door: I miss my family!

They live about 20 minutes away by car and I call them all almost every day. I had just seen them this past weekend for my mum’s birthday and slept over Saturday night. None of that factored in yesterday, when I could only think of the next time I could go home, drink tea and cuddle up into a Dad hug. I put it away in the oak chest in my brain that holds thinky-thoughts I’ll take out and feel later. I went to ex-roommate’s birthday party and floated the evening away. I felt a little like Zach Braff’s character in Garden State at the party where he sits in one spot and watches everyone around him moving. I watched everyone come in, go out for smokes, pour beer, sit beside me, slide down, and there I was on the comfy chair. Then the thought poked itself slowly out of the door, asking, “Can I come out now?” To which I replied, “I want to go home!” Not home to my apartment, where fiancé would come in after I went to bed and leave before I got up. Home where my cat lives and where there is a backyard to rake.

I am sad, a little bit, that with each passing day as I excitedly countdown to the wedding (which is still 376 away) I am moving further away from my childhood. I agreed to let it go so easily after high school and in university when I first moved out. I was so sure I wanted out of the house where my toothbrush sat in the same toothbrush holder since I was four. Now, I’m not sure I wanted to let it all go. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the future. Some days I want to take a few steps back so I can run full force and leap into it. Others, like yesterday, I want to turn around and run into my dad’s chest for him to hug me and take me home.