They say the hardest things to write are the things that are the most true. The things that are raw, uncensored, blunt and open. I agree. In these postings, I often find myself stringing sentences together that I think are relatable, or effective, or entertaining. It is actually not often that I write the nitty-gritty raw honest thoughts in my head. I don’t want to open up my brain and heart to that extent for a sometimes foreign audience. It would scare me to think of the judgment that may befall me if I write every truth I know. (That’s not to say I don’t write truth either- just not necessarily the entire truth of how I feel. Its my blog and I make the rules!)
I have a few people with whom I can be completely honest. There’s the boyfriend, who I can break out into random goofy kid campfire songs, making scrunchy faces while smelling my armpit, and laugh back when he looks at me and says, “Gawd, you’re retarded.” There are my tried and true girlfriends who have been there since the awkward spandex and silk shirt days of third grade that I can approach out of the blue to ask if that “thing I have down there” is normal. Around my family, I still have to be something of a role model to the younger two, so I can’t be totally honest about my sexual explorings or intoxicating substance use. There are certainly my acquaintances that sashay to the bars with me that I can be goofy around, but could not approach with a terrible secret and cry on their shoulders forever. Those few people who get the entirely real deal are therefore sacred. Yesterday, officially, another was let in.
Future roommate A has always been a good friend, and nothing short of that. She follows through on promises, is a guaranteed fun time no matter what, is a good study buddy, motivator and confidant, having gone through similar life paths. I felt, over time, that I could divulge more of myself to her. Boundaries were expanded and I let more of myself out, but it wasn’t until yesterday where I decided to wipe off the boundaries entirely.
While she was away on exchange to Europe, I sent her an audio letter, using my very limited microphone computer recording skills. She told me how much she appreciated it. Yesterday, I received a CD letter in return, only hers was a series of video clips. (She’s always been more technologically adept than I). In it, she totally was herself. In some clips, she sat silent for minutes on end tearing and chewing bites of pizza and making her own unique facial expressions, and I wasn’t bored at all. It was comfortable, actually. In other clips, I felt like I was spying on her in her room when no one was around because she was no-hands-barred letting loose and being a total madwoman goofball. It was at that moment I thought, “Wow, this is complete and total honesty.” We’d shared many secrets before and spent many a day and night hanging out, but this was the clincher. It was as if now, suddenly, the final boundary of utter ridiculous silliness that makes no sense and is simply retarded has been wiped clean.
I am now more excited than ever to move out with her (and boyfriend) in the fall. It is comforting to know that if I fart while watching TV, all I hafta do is lean over and go, “Aw, I farted! It stinks. My bad.” And laugh it off. Or that if boyfriend and I have an argument and I decide for 15 minutes that he is the worst person jerk ever, I can run to her and tell her my side and she’ll tell me back that maybe I’m being selfish again (as is usually the case). Honesty—The best gift a friend can ever give or get.